You’ve been asking everybody, except me, what I did with Leonard’s ashes, so I will tell you.
But first, I need to explain about his new Mercedes. Stella at the hairdressers said you were volcanic when you heard what I had done. You were fidgeting so much she had trouble getting that gloop onto your roots so you can pretend to be a natural blonde. I hope you didn’t have too many patches of grey showing. It must be such a problem being short, knowing everyone is looking down on you.
He loved that car. He’s always been seduced by anything flashy, has been ever since we married all those years ago. And he spent almost as many hours caressing her body work as he did yours. I expect he appreciated the feel of taut smoothness beneath his fingertips. Women can be so unattractive when they age badly, don’t you think?
I only rode in the car once. She was fast but not nearly as fast as you. Her upholstery was firm, flawless naked cream calf-hide, not a sagging seat in sight. He paid a small fortune for her last month, but she was top of the range, pure quality, in bold glowing scarlet.
Did you enjoy those lunchtime runs out to ‘The Laughing Duck’ and ‘The True Lover’s Knot’? I found the till receipts when I cleaned out the car. I’ve never been to either one of them myself, but I think you know those pubs quite well. All that over-rich fine dining. Such a pity he had a heart attack and never got to enjoy running around in his new toy. Oh, sorry, I forgot. You know all about the cause of that heart attack, don’t you?
I imagine you thought he was a fitter man than he really was, all the hours you spent together on the golf course. At least twice a week, wasn’t it? And such keen eyesight you both had to play so late into the evening. He probably told you that I hated the game, which is why he left me his precious golf clubs, knowing I would never play with them. But I have found the perfect use for them. I’m having them twisted and tortured into one of those garden sculptures, all twining arms and legs that run from the wind but can never escape. I’ll put it in the back garden so when I stand at the kitchen sink, I can enjoy watching the endless churning limbs pumping away but never reaching their destination on the road to nowhere.
The house was already mine of course. Did he tell you that? I paid the mortgage, and it was in my name. Leonard never had any money left at the end of the month to contribute, what with the golf, his little weekends away and his entertaining invisible clients. He was very fond of telling people the house was his and I’m sure some believed him. I do hope you weren’t one of them. So disappointing for you if you were. I’m going to update the place. I’ve had plans drawn up and I’m very pleased with them. Leonard was never much good at maintaining the old, always more interested in chasing the new and shiny. He never learned that shine dulls and glitter tarnishes.
His will was so Leonard, mean-spirited, thoughtless, and unfair. But I followed it to the letter. I carried out his wishes and derived a certain satisfaction from doing so. It was a cheeky ask though, expecting me to sell his new car and give the proceeds to you. But I did my duty.
Do you know Dazzer? He’s one of those boys who do wheelies and race their cars up and down the promenade just below your flat. You must have noticed them; the police are always down there at the weekends. Dazzer was really rather sweet when I got past the tattoos and eau de weed. Hardly scary at all. It was obvious he needed a new car judging by the state of the bodywork on the one he was driving. It had long scratches down the sides and more dents than you have had lunches at The Laughing Duck.
He couldn’t believe his luck when I dangled the keys in front of him and said I only wanted £100 for that scarlet streak of mayhem. The notes he gave me did feel a bit thick, now I think about it. You don’t suppose they could be forgeries? I gave them to the solicitor who will pass them onto you – once she has taken out her fee. If you look out of your window late at night, you might get a glimpse of the car. Happy memories.
Now you wanted to know about his ashes. You told Stella that you deserved some of them and I am a firm believer in people getting what they deserve.
Do you remember the wake at the ‘Crown Inn’? It was so well attended, like a fashion show, so many lovely dresses to be jealous of – if I was the jealous sort of wife. Wasn’t it interesting how the staff recognised you, and mentioned you and Leonard in the same breath?
I must just say that I thought you were brave to eat so much of that granite cake, particularly with hips like yours. You must spend hours at the gym fighting to tighten and defeat the droop. When I stood behind you, I could tell you were losing the battle. Gravity is so much stronger than it used to be, isn’t it?
It was a brave decision, to go for silver jewellery. It can look a little ‘mutton dressed up as lamb’ but it was the right choice for you. Gold looks so cheap and tacky on certain skin types. I overheard you telling your friends that the caterers had done a splendid job and how much Leonard would have appreciated it. You made it sound rather as if you had paid for it all. It just goes to prove that people should never believe all that they are told.
For the sake of accuracy, the caterers didn’t supply all the food, you know. I baked that granite cake myself. It was my own very, very special recipe and I was very pleased with the results. I knew you couldn’t resist a bit of bling with that gold leaf on top and the suggestion that the ingredients had come from Leonard himself. There’s satisfaction in helping people get what they deserve.